WHY WE BELIEVE RICKY MARTIN IS THE ANTICHRIST

By The Funky Mustache

Oh, sure, he looks pretty. But beneath that blonde, blue-eyed façade beats the heart of the evil beast of darkness, the Lord of the Flies, The Prince of Lies, the guy who always brings more than ten items through the express lane, Satan his own damned self.

Try and deny it. How else can you explain his tremendous success? Talent? Impossible. Only through mastery of the dark arts can someone who sings "Shake Your Bon-Bon" achieve such overwhelming control of the airwaves.

It is said that he comes from Menudo, which further strengthens our argument. Tell me those kids didn’t sacrifice chickens on a regular basis. And look at his sharp, white fangs, displayed prominently on the cover of every accursed magazine in every grocery check-out line across the globe. He smiles the same way every time: his eyes get all crazed and big and his lips draw back and you can see those impossibly blanched, polished choppers, which we believe, but cannot prove, are used to eat the old, the weak, and the poor.

Note the first single, "Livin La Vida Loca" which translates to "Living the Crazy Life." You know who else lives the crazy life? Charles Manson lives the Crazy Life. Jeffrey Dahmer lived the Crazy Life. John Wayne Gacy, Leopold and Loeb, Adolf Hitler, and Saddam Hussein; each one a big advocate of the aforementioned crazy life. I bet if Hitler were alive today, he would be listening to Ricky Martin. Hussein must have the single in his collection, right next to Milli Vanilli and The New Kids on the Block. Guess what song OJ Simpson could be heard humming on the golf course recently? I bet you don’t need three guesses.

The only good thing about Ricky Martin being the Lord of the Damned is it means, according to scripture, that the coming final battle between good and evil is just around the corner. Any day now someone will rise to put Ricky Martin in his place. The bad news is that we doubt that Britney Spears, N’Sync, the Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees or Christina Aguilera are going to be the ones to do it.  If they represent agents of heaven, then we’re completely screwed all the way around.