Tales in Hot Pink is a weekly column by our fearless leader. Like all management, he is not required to tell the truth, represent himself accurately, or trouble himself with reality in any way. And, in keeping with our corporate style, he is not bound by good taste or specific subject, so he may ramble wildly from topic to topic. As his employees, we encourage this, because the day is long and we are frequently bored.
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Some Assembly Required
After I had finally finished inserting the Horizontal Videotape Shelves (parts AA, BB, CC, and WW) into the Lower Storage Compartment Area (a composite of parts F, D, Y, and X), I stepped back and compared my finished product to the artist rendition on the front of the assembly manual. Then I immediately went to the telephone and called the Toll Free Assembly Hotline that was listed at the bottom of each page. It was hard to dial because my fingers, all of them, were swathed in Band Aids. "Hello," I said. "I'm calling about your Faux Oak High Quality Plywood Entertainment Center…" "Ah yes," the help desk assistant sighed happily. "Our top selling product." "I can see why," I said, looking at it from across the room. "As an Entertainment Center, it is nothing if not…entertaining." "What sort of problems are you having, sir?" "Actually, I just have a few questions," I said, nervously glancing at the Entertainment Center as a soft breeze brew through the living room. "Is the Entertainment Center, in its finished form, supposed to be able to hold an 18-inch color television set in the middle cabinet, next to the VCR rack?" "It actually can hold a 26-inch set, sir," the assistant said proudly. "I see," I said. "Why do you ask?" "Because every time I put my beer on the middle cabinet, where the TV is supposed to go, I've noticed the whole structure has a tendency to collapse in on itself." My fingers really hurt. "Is that a design flaw that you are familiar with?" "No, sir," the assistant admitted. "Actually, we've never had any complaints of that sort." "I see," I said. "And, in each package that you ship from your factory, exactly how many Entertainment Centers can be assembled from the parts that are contained in the box?" "Just one, sir," he said. "We do include a few extra screws. Do you have extra screws?" "Oh yes," I said. "I have extra screws." I looked at the bag of extra screws that were laying on the floor as I chewed on my lower lip thoughtfully. "I have extra screws, six or seven pieces of wood, three brackets, a handle, and a pane of glass. I wonder if perhaps I've missed a step or two in the instructions." "There should only be enough wood product for one entertainment center, sir," the assistant said uncertainly. "I understand," I nodded. "Could you please tell me the exact nature of the problem you're having?" he pressed. "Well," I sighed, "you know how, when you put together a piece of furniture yourself, it can be…just a little wobbly? Like, instead of standing still when you push on it, it shakes a little bit?" "Yes…Does your piece do that?" "No," I said. "Well, that's good." "My piece falls over," I said. "Sometimes all by itself." "That's not good," the assistant admitted. "No," I agreed. "It's going to make it very difficult for me to watch TV." "Have you tightened the screws?" "Well, I can't tighten the screws, but they're all in as far as they can go." "What do you mean you can't tighten the screws?" "I don't have a screwdriver," I explained. "What did you use to get the screws in?" he asked. "Hang on," I said, and I went to get my tool. I brought it back to the phone and glanced at the spine. "The Norton Anthology of English Literature," I read into the phone. "I see," the assistant noted. "Volume One," I added, in case that would help. "Right," the assistant said. "I really should try and read this sometime," I mused, making a mental note. "Sir?" the assistant asked. "Yes?" "I would suggest that you purchase a screwdriver," he said. "I understand," I said. "I think you'll find it makes a difference," he told me. "I certainly will give it a try," I said. "Thank you very much." "Thank you for choosing Homemaster Furnishings," he squeezed in before I hung up the phone. The sound of the receiver being placed on the hook was enough to send the Faux Oak High Quality Plywood Entertainment Center tumbling to the ground. I put my 18-inch color TV on top of the rubble and plugged it in. |
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| A collection of more diseased madness below. Check
out a few, and then buy The Reluctant
Prophet. We won't tell
anyone what you spent your grocery money on. No one needs to
know. We can keep it just between us.
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