Tales in Hot Pink is a semi-weekly column by our fearless leader. Like all management, he is not required to tell the truth, represent himself accurately, or trouble himself with reality in any way. And, in keeping with our corporate style, he is not bound by good taste or specific subject, so he may ramble wildly from topic to topic. As his employees, we encourage this, because the day is long and we are frequently bored.
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Religious Procrastination
It's because I love Valentine's Day so much that I decided to leave that last article up for so long. As you know, I'm an incurable romantic, and the holiday means so much to me that I like make it last for as long as possible. In fact, the past month or so has been my Valentine's hiatus. I choose not to pay bills, or scoop the cat box, or return any e-mail in observance of the holiday. I just sit at home and play video games and wait until I feel I've celebrated the joy of love sufficiently to get back to work. In my humble opinion, there are a small handful of special days that require an extended sabbatical from my demanding position as CEO. Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Year's, and Tuesday. Whenever Tuesday rolls around, I have to take a few days off. I don't return any phone calls Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday, because performing any sort of meaningful task would be disrespectful to St. Tuesday, the patron saint of two days. During this part of the week you should only play video games and/or drink stiff martinis. Any deviation will cause you to go to hell. Immediately. Without dying. I'm pretty sure the details are in the bible, but I can't prove it, because I lost the bible I stole from the Two Arabs Motor Inn. Friday is special, too. It's the day before my day off, and I don't like to spoil it by going to work. Instead, I like to prepare for the weekend by not vacuuming and not going to the grocery store. And even though my schedule is pretty full on Friday, since I'm so busy not taking out the garbage and not doing the dishes, I still manage to get in some video game time. Saturday is my day off. I like to relax on Saturday, and play video games. On Sunday, I go to church. I mean, I would go to church, if the congregation hadn't found out the bible I used to bring to mass was stolen from the Two Arabs Motor Inn. They were even more outraged when they found out that's where I would regularly meet with an Asian prostitute, drink Johnny Walker from the bottle, and play Nintendo with her. Now that I've been excommunicated, I choose to stay at home and play video games on Sunday. The Asian prostitute won't come over because no one is buying my book and I can't afford to pay her. I don't care. She says she's never heard of St. Tuesday, so I can't trust her. She's obviously a Buddhist. Buddhists aren't very good at Super Mario Brothers. Monday is for calling in sick to work, and to remind everyone that I'll be taking Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday off in observance of Tuesday. Then, after that's done, I'll usually play video games. St. Patrick's day was Saturday, wasn't it? I suppose I'll have to start planning for that. You finish one thing, and before you know it, you've got more on your plate. Sometimes there just aren't enough hours in the day. |
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| A collection of more diseased madness below. Check
out a few, and then buy The Reluctant
Prophet. We won't tell
anyone what you spent your grocery money on. No one needs to
know. We can keep it just between us.
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E-mail feedback, jokes or nekkid pickchures to Tom at: |
