Tales in Hot Pink is a weekly column by our fearless leader. Like all management, he is not required to tell the truth, represent himself accurately, or trouble himself with reality in any way. And, in keeping with our corporate style, he is not bound by good taste or specific subject, so he may ramble wildly from topic to topic. As his employees, we encourage this, because the day is long and we are frequently bored.
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Independence Day
Zdravstvuyte, American boys and girls. As we are now embracing American capitalist way of life, we in the former Soviet Union would very much like to help you celebrate your Independence Day. For a limited time, we are offering to our young American friends inexpensive party favors far superior to those fireworks that currently available in the west.
Like the SA 17 Grizzly, a short range surface to air missile with solid propulsion features and 70 kg HE fragmentation effect. With semi-active radar guidance and a 50 km range, if you can get your hands on one of these this season, you're certain to be the envy of your fat suburban friends. 720 kg at launch with a wingspan of 86 cm, it takes a little muscle to set up, but once it's airborne, the only safe place is behind it. Something smaller perhaps? Like the SA 14 Gremlin? 1.42 meters long with 7.2 cm body diameter, this exciting portable surface to air missile with Passive IR guidance systems is perfect for neighborhood parties or backyard fun. Launcher not included. Does a short range anti tank missile with a 10 kg HEAT warhead sound good to you? It sounded good to us in the late 70's. Get your neighbor's car off your front lawn with this beauty brought to you by the nice folks at Kolomna NPO. This week only: Buy two AT 6 Spirals, get a third free. Rude Jet Skiers a problem on the fourth? Teach them some consideration for others with the SS N 22 Sunburn, a short to medium range ship to ship missile with Ramjet propulsion and your choice of either a conventional HE warhead or some sweet 200 kiloton nuclear action. You're bound to make some real waves! But if you're ready to play with the big boys, then it's time to get a real taste of the "rocket's red glare" with the SS 24 Scalpel, a Rail Mobile ICBM. At 104,500 kg, it's a hefty piece of work, but the 500 kiloton nuclear warhead makes it worth its weight in gold. On the fifth of July, after a memorable day of hot dogs and beer, treat your friends to the beautiful sunset that can only be achieved through nuclear holocaust. But remember kids, an intercontinental ballistic missile is not a toy, so be sure to check with your parents before you order. All orders must be received by July 28th. Check or Money orders only. American currency preferred.
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| A collection of more diseased madness below. Check
out a few, and then buy The Reluctant
Prophet. We won't tell
anyone what you spent your grocery money on. No one needs to
know. We can keep it just between us.
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