Tales in Hot Pink is a weekly column by our fearless leader.  Like all management, he is not required to tell the truth, represent himself accurately, or trouble himself with reality in any way.  And, in keeping with our corporate style, he is not bound by good taste or specific subject, so he may ramble wildly from topic to topic.  As his employees, we encourage this, because the day is long and we are frequently bored.

Census and Revolution

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It's time to break out the Chianti and fava beans, because it's census time again. But don't be concerned. I'm here to help you through it.

Before you follow my advice, you should bear in mind that I consider myself a bit of a revolutionary. If you're squeamish about putting "The Man" in his place, than stop reading now. If not, the census is an ideal way for us to strike back at oppressive government without jeopardizing our welfare, unemployment, or farm subsidy benefits. Plus, if you notice at the top of the questionnaire you received from your census representative, it states clearly that "your answers are protected by law." That means you can lie without consequence.

QUESTION ONE:

How many people were living or staying in this house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1, 2000?

Circle the words "mobile home" and, in the space provided, write the number 97. Next to that, write "Am I supposed to count illegal immigrants? Please advise."

QUESTION TWO:

Refer to the address label on the back of this form. If that address is NOT the MAILING address of this residence, print the MAILING address below.

Fill in the address of your neighbor. This will provide you with some valuable protection in case the United States government doesn't find this exercise as amusing as you do.

QUESTION THREE:

Is this house, apartment, or mobile home—

Owned by you or someone in this household with a mortgage or loan?

Owned by you or someone in this household free and clear (without a mortgage or loan)?

Rented for cash rent?

Occupied without payment of cash rent?

Check "Occupied without payment of cash rent," and write next to it, "Please don't let the homeowner know we've been living in his garage." Your answers, remember, are protected by law.

QUESTION FOUR:

Please answer the following questions for each person living in this house, apartment, or mobile home. Start with the name of one of the people living here who owns, is buying or rents this house, apartment, or mobile home. If there is no such person, start with any adult living or staying here. We will refer to this as Person 1.

 

If the US government would like to refer to this as Person 1, then you should do all you can to avoid any confusion later on. Fill in the last name as "One" and the first name as "Person."

QUESTION FIVE:

What is Person 1's telephone number? We may call this person if we don't understand an answer.

1-900-PSY-CHIC. They have all the answers, usually before you have the questions.

QUESTION SIX:

What is Person 1's sex?

You'll need to add a box that reads "Not enough." Slap yourself if you didn't see this answer coming.

QUESTION SEVEN:

What is Person 1's age and what is Person 1's date of birth?

Your age can be up to three digits. Go nuts.

QUESTION EIGHT:

Is Person 1 Spanish/Hispanic/Latino?

Answer this question honestly. This is the 90's. Nothing ethnic is funny.

QUESTION NINE:

What is Person 1's race? Indicate what this person considers himself/herself to be.

Answer this honestly, too. It shouldn't be hard. For instance, I am white as snow. Some may even use the phrase "Pale as death." But I've always considered myself to be of "Guamanian or Chamorro" descent, which, luckily, is one of the potential answers provided.

That's just about it. You've simultaneously done your job as a good citizen and an instrument of rebellion. Like I always say, question authority. And if you're afraid to ask authority questions, make sure authority has plenty of questions for you.

 

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