Tales in Hot Pink is a weekly column by our fearless leader. Like all management, he is not required to tell the truth, represent himself accurately, or trouble himself with reality in any way. And, in keeping with our corporate style, he is not bound by good taste or specific subject, so he may ramble wildly from topic to topic. As his employees, we encourage this, because the day is long and we are frequently bored.
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Results
I don't know what everyone's so worried about. They can count and recount and manually count and stumble across ballot boxes and argue about the 3400 hundred right wing fanatics living in Palm Beach, but the simple fact of the matter is that the position of President isn't filled until Electoral College meets in December. And our information indicates that the majority of EC voters are not planning on voting for either one of the front runners. Here's why: Gore invented the Internet, which is the most destructive technological force on the planet since the atomic bomb. It is ripe with pornography, poor grammar, and misspellings; no Electoral College voter in his right mind could possibly trust Al not to destroy the presidency. Bush, on the other hand, is a deep thinker. Perhaps too deep. "There ought to be limits to freedom," he has said, and while it's clear to the American public this is an idea whose time has come, the Electoral College Voters just aren't progressive enough to feel comfortable with the concept. There's never been a clearer example of freedom running amuck than in Florida, where it has been necessary to toss out 19,000 ballots because some voters decided they would like to see both Pat Buchanan and Al Gore share the White House (wouldn't this make a great sit-com?). But even though half of the American people are ready for a change, could a man like Bush, who addresses tough issues like "Is our children educated?", really work well with Congress? Your representatives at the Electoral College don't think so. Here's the information we've gathered on where your electoral votes will be going. Bear in mind, as much as I would like to take credit for a vivid imagination, these are all actual presidential candidates: Albert "The Rock" Gore…96 Electoral Votes
George WhereamI Bush…94 Electoral Votes
Paris C.L. Alvarez…48 Electoral Votes
He believes "the world will honor and love me in no time because I am real." He has listed his occupation as "Liason to Christ's father." How's that for experience? It beats the hell out of being the governor of some dinky state in the south, or twenty-five, thirty years in public service. His stance on crime? Mandatory castration for all convicted international drug traffickers. It makes sense, because, as we all know, it is almost impossible to sell crack cocaine if you have no balls. Louie G. Youngkeit...46 Electoral Votes
Louie has ballot status in Utah, and apparently, he's the legitimate heir to the Howard Hughes fortune. This is a man who secured 19 votes in 1996. That doesn't sound like much, but this year, 19 votes could win the presidency. Clifford R. Catton...42 Electoral Votes
Clifford is a representative from the Church of God party. The US Postal Service has been stealing his mail since 1981, so when he's elected president, heads will roll. Robert W. Gottier...47 Electoral Votes
Robert is the inventor of the Gravity Engine. He has 51 inventions, but is too short on cash to be able to afford a patent on any of them. That could change if he's able to collect a sweet government paycheck. The Electoral College is undoubtedly considering the long term benefits a Gravity Engine could provide. The American public is hungry for a politician with his feet planted firmly on the ground. Jack Grimes...60 Electoral Votes Jack Grimes is the leader and director of the United Fascist Union. Don't get nervous, though…Jack isn't a fascist like Hitler, he's more of a Roman Emperor sort of fascist. Rome kicked ass for a long time, a lot longer than the US has been around, so the concept is worth contemplating. Jack has it on good authority that "the United States will be reduced from its present size to a small triangular-shaped land mass through the loss of many of its coastal states." We should address this issue now, before it's too late, since I happen to be located on one of those coastal states. Bradford J. Lyttle...53 Electoral Votes
Just look at that winning smile. Would you believe he's a pacifist? Thomas Wells...52 Electoral Votes
God spoke directly to Thomas Wells on December 25, 1994 at 2:00 am and told him to run for president. Can Al Gore say that? Can GW? I think not. The question is, even though God asked him to run, will God actually vote for Thomas? Where, exactly, is God registered to vote? Hopefully it's not Palm Beach. God might wind up voting for Buchanan by accident, and if that happens, we're all in trouble. Because He might get pissed, and you can kiss those coastal states goodbye.
You probably feel stupid now, throwing your vote away on either the moron or the liar without properly researching your options. Don't feel bad. As long as we have the Electoral College watching out for us, we'll never have to worry about making uninformed decisions again. You want Nader? Vote for Nader. You want Buchanan? Go for it. Because it doesn't matter what you want. That's what makes America great.
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| A collection of more diseased madness below. Check
out a few, and then buy The Reluctant
Prophet. We won't tell
anyone what you spent your grocery money on. No one needs to
know. We can keep it just between us.
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