Tales in Hot Pink is a weekly column by our fearless leader. Like all management, he is not required to tell the truth, represent himself accurately, or trouble himself with reality in any way. And, in keeping with our corporate style, he is not bound by good taste or specific subject, so he may ramble wildly from topic to topic. As his employees, we encourage this, because the day is long and we are frequently bored.
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Candidacy
I wonder if it's too late for me to announce my candidacy. I'm in the market for new employment, and after watching the debates the other night, I feel pretty certain I'm qualified for the job. I'll run on the Demopublican ticket. The platform has been polished to a glossy sheen by the current candidates, and I'm convinced I, like any good politician, can be all things to all people. Let me fill you in on some of my positions. I'm for less government and more government programs. I think every child in America should learn how to read, as long as it doesn't cost that much. They should probably start with my book, which is available for purchase from Amazon, Borders, Barnes and Noble, and the 1st Books Library. The word "fuck" appears several hundred times in the book, but I would be more than happy to black out any and all instances with a magic marker (for a small fee). I'd do it for the kids. One of the hot current issues is government subsidized drugs for senior citizens, and I'm all for that. Old people want to be "hep" and "with it" too, and everybody should enjoy their retirement. Let's be honest, you reach a certain age and addiction just isn't a pressing concern anymore. I reached that age at twenty-two. I think we should enact some sort of gun control legislation that involves taking guns away from criminals and giving them to you or your next door neighbor, because everyone knows the more guns we have in our neighborhoods, the safer we'll be. Be firm though, and make sure your kids don't play with your new weaponry. I suggest threatening to shoot them if you catch them messing around with firearms. That should put the fear of God into the little bastards. I'm also a strong supporter of medical insurance for everyone. In fact, there's a new doctor in my neighborhood, Dr. Pashu, who just got his doctorate from a mail order school in Mexico, and he's taking on new patients. One of my first orders of business will be to put Dr. Pashu on the government payroll, and then anyone who wants to can go to his office and get a free rectal exam. Don't think I'm soft, because I've got some hard line positions. For instance, how many candidates are willing to say they're actually going to raise taxes? That's right. I'm going to raise taxes. But here's the kicker…I'm going to raise taxes, and then I'm going to turn around and give you the money right back. Because that's the kind of guy I am. That's crazy, you say? Nonsense, my friend. It's genius. Because the local credit union is offering savings accounts with four percent interest. Four percent is pretty damned good. All you need is a five hundred dollar minimum deposit. I'll be opening my account with five, six hundred trillion. I'll be solving the nation's economic problems, and I'll probably get a free toaster oven, too. See, in the few months between January and April, if we triple the current tax rate, that four percent interest on the previously mentioned five, six hundred trillion principal should be enough to cover the entire national budget. I take the interest and use it to keep the government running, we liquidate the principal, and you get a tax return check for tens of thousands of dollars. How often have you gotten one of those? We'll have drugs, education, and guns for everybody. National debt won't be a problem either, I'm happy to announce. I just got a pre-approved credit card application in the mail that has an introductory 0% APR until April 2001. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to do the math. We'll have craploads of tax money earning four percent, and the debt won't be increasing at all. And when April 2001 rolls around, we just find another credit card company with the same offer. It'll work. I've been doing it for years. Now that you've heard my domestic proposal, you're probably already headed for the voting booth. Hold up there, sparky, it's only October. And you still haven't heard my radical plan for world peace. Copy and paste the message below into a new e-mail message and send it to everyone you know:
Subject: World Peace DO NOT IGNORE THIS MESSAGE! Bill Gates is going to give everyone who receives this message ten dollars. In cooperation with the new President of the United States, Bill is going to be able to analyze the effectiveness of his new e-mail program and establish world peace by offering each recipient of this message a crisp new ten dollar bill if they follow the instructions below: First: Forward this letter to everyone you know. No exceptions. Second: Don't beat up, kill, throw rocks at, or light anyone on fire for the rest of your life. It sounds crazy, but I've got a friend who just got his ten dollar bill in the mail. He got this message a few weeks ago, and it's a good thing, because he was going to light an Amish family on fire (he hates Amish people, see). Well, he got this message, decided not to light them on fire, and next thing he knew, he gets ten bucks in the mail. I know this guy pretty well, and while he may light Amish people on fire from time to time, he's definitely not a liar. Remember, Bill Gates is the richest man in the world, so he can afford this. He's doing it in honor of the President's radical new tax plan. I don't know about you, but this new President of the United States seems like a pretty cool guy to me. Keep an eye out for your ten bucks!!!!
It's deceptively simple, yet clever, like any good foreign policy. Go ahead and give it a shot, and don't be surprised if you wind up with a few copies of your own in your inbox. That's how you know it's working. It's time for your vote to count for something. You can choose Gore or you can choose Bush. One may lower taxes, the other may save social security, who knows? In all likelihood, neither one of them will accomplish anything you'll actually notice. But national economic security, world peace, heavily medicated senior citizens, and ten dollars…you can't beat that. It's almost worth voting for. And if you do, I won't have to go back into the food service industry. See? Everybody wins.
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| A collection of more diseased madness below. Check
out a few, and then buy The Reluctant
Prophet. We won't tell
anyone what you spent your grocery money on. No one needs to
know. We can keep it just between us.
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E-mail feedback, jokes or nekkid pickchures to Tom at:
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